The zombies are coming—they’re coming to get you Barbara. If there was ever one thing that we can all be certain of, it’s that the zombie apocalypse is going to happen. Actually, I’m probably just exaggerating. The Center for Disease Control is not certain that a zombie apocalypse will actually occur, but, the way I see it, if Steve Nash and Jason Kidd can still walk their decaying corpses out on the court every night, then we must not be far off.
Just wait until you see the breaking news ticker on ESPN saying that Kidd was caught gnawing off Carmelo Anthony’s foot in the locker room, and then you will know it has begun. Maybe its because I watch too much Walking Dead, or maybe its because I’m still getting used to living in a world where LeBron James actually has an NBA title, but let’s do a mock NBA lottery draft where we pick the players that we would want on our side during an actual zombie apocalypse.
The Rules: We can choose from any player that is currently in the league, and the goal is simply to survive a zombie attack. Let’s take a look at the top seven picks in reverse order.
No. 7: James Harden
I’m not sure how good of a zombie survivalist James Harden would be—I’m just really curious how long his beard could actually grow. Imagine James Hardens living in the wilderness for a couple of years? He might just turn into a bush. Harden is a player that can drop 30 to 40 points on any given night. So I imagine he wouldn’t be afraid to take the lead and start killing a bunch of zombies.
No. 6: J.R. Smith
All J.R Smith wants to do is shoot things. If the Knicks coaching staff let Smith shoot at will, he would probably take 80% of the team’s total shots. And of course that skill translates to the zombie apocalypse because Smith would love nothing more than to shoot zombies. The only trouble is that everyone knows J.R would be a horrible shot, and we would probably run out of ammo a few weeks into the zombie attack.
No. 5: LeBron James
LeBron James is an amazing athlete and physical specimen, but, he’s just too rich to really be drafted any higher than the eighth spot. It’s hard to image LeBron getting down and dirty and taking out a slew of zombies. He’d probably make someone from his entourage do all the dirty work. But, what that being said, LeBron would probably still average 28 zombie kills, 7.8 zombie kill assists while shoot with an 80 percent accuracy.
No. 4: Metta World Peace
Metta World has just the right type of crazy to really be usefully in a zombie attack. He’s one of those guys that could take out 10 zombies all by him self. The only setback to having World Peace on your side is that he is liable to flip-out at any moment and put everyone else at risk. However, in his defense, Mr. Peace wouldn’t need any weapons because his elbows would be more than enough to do the job.
No. 3: Kevin Garnett
The Celtics forward may be the only person alive that is more intense than an actual zombie. Garnett would be one of those mad-scientist survivalist that try to find a cure for the zombies infestation at all cost. He’d also be perfect for guard duty, because you know he’d be ok with a 36-hour shift and not complain once.
No 2: Kobe Bryant
Kobe is a guy that would probably go insane because he never got to win his sixth title and would eventually turn into a super-villain. He’d be one of those zombie survivalist that declares war on everything in his path—zombie or human’s alike. Kobe is a guy that you want on your side only because he is too crazy to have as an enemy.
No 1: Russell Westbrook
From a killing zombies stand point, Westbrook would be your go-to guy—the dude is fearless. If Westbrook can be on a team with, perhaps, the best scorer in the league, and still take more shots then him, just imaging how aggressive he’d be with a machine gun and a green light to shoot. Also, an added bonus to having Westbrook on you side is the fashion. How fantastic would we look roaming around the wilderness wearing purple skinny jeans and a pair of lens-less hipster glasses?
By George Monroy